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From the Head: Random Thoughts of BT

"What is happening in his head? Ooooooooh I wish I knew, I wish I knew" - Lyric from The Who's "Go To The Mirror Boy"

What is happening in his head? Well here, you can get a slim idea of just that. Check back for updates every so often.

 

10/04/04 12:41 PM EDT

Well another month in a semester and guess what, not much has changed. I'm still slackign in my classes although my first couple of weeks looked promising. Before I dwell on that too much, here's the good stuff. Prepare yourself, it's a bit out of the blue. (no pun intended with the font color) Two weeks into the semester and I'm already pledgemaster of the newly founded Nu Gamma Delta co-ed social fraternity. I'm literally part of something new. Our hope is to go nationwide and change the face of what fraternities are, from negative to positive. Because of my new position, I've been talking with a whole lot of new people I normally wouldn't have in the first place. On top of that, I hooked up with one of the pledges and we have a lot in common. Unfortunately, she wasn't expecting to receive such attention from me and so she wants to be just friends for now. Which is fine, but it's hard to have such happiness for a week and then lost it just as fast, especially when you have been single for 4 years previously. At least her roomate and friends are real supportive and are behind me all the way. The one said something very touching about me and I just know it's a sign that I'm finally going in the right direction. LOL. Just got that Robert Rudolph song stuck in my head. I really do hope she and I are together after a while. I've never met anyone that it seemed like we had so much in common. I've always hoped that there was an exact female counterpart to myself. I don't think she is, but she's close, I'd say 90-95% compatible. All I've to do is wait it out I guess. I hope this week is a 180 from last week. I need to start doing what needs to be done so I can get some momentum going. Either than that, I'm looking out there to see who else can comfort me as much as I was a week or so ago. Wish me well.

As you can tell I've done a little revamping of the site in the last few weeks, enough that this update is appropriate. I touched up the opening movie so it's not so sloppy. All font has been changed to what you see here, Rez, with the exception of the road page, which is Blue Highway. I also added a I-96 exit list page and if you can tell there are a lot of holes to be filled. Go check it out if you'd like to help out with that. Hopefully I can start filling in the large gaps in my site to make it something worth checking every day. Keep on kicking up that hit counter!

6/16/04 11:39 PM EDT

If you see this my dear Kim, it means I'm done wasting my time with you. You have done nothing but use me to feed the obsessive absence of someone I can't replace. I should have known right from the start I couldn't compete with him. But you should know by now, if you can't truly give your heart to someone, there is no point in even trying when someone from you past still haunts you. So don't bother trying to reach me, because I simply will not listen. Call me an ass, bastard, bitch, I really don't give a damn. Your opinion means nothing to me anymore.

Now that that paragraph that was intended for someone in particular is out of the way, I can tell the rest of you who still cares about what I have to say, the progress of the story to this point. Another semester down and guess what, I failed another class. Damn this is starting to really gripe my ass. At least this time it wasn't totally my fault but shit, how many times do I need to hit rock bottom in college? I'm sure many kids out there are facing a similar situation that I am, although I'm sure not quite so many have the EXACT situation I have. I'm still left to wonder when the hell I can really start my life. In order to save the rest of my ass for this semester, I was forced to take a take-home final for micrometeorology. Good news, lowest 2 grades get replaced by this sucker, bad news, it's a hell of a lot of work and with how burnt-out I felt over the semester, the last thing I really want to do right now is think about school. Seeing as how I have an entire year to get it done, I'm focusing on work and just letting my mind clear. Of course, my parents (dad in particular) are on my case about it. They want to see me get it done by summer's end. While I agree this is an attainable goal and it would be nice to have it out of the way, I can't help but see possibilities that would prevent that from happening. After all, they are asking me to get it done in 1/4 the time required by the teacher as well as doing it without the resources available on campus. True, I'll have other classes to contend with, but after the slack-jawed effort I gave last semester, I'm NOT, NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT!, going to give my parents as well as anyone else who is doubting me reason to doubt me further. I've not only let my parents down too many times, but myself as well. LOL, I can't help but think I'm already sick of college and ready to start my career right now, but 'tis a fool's dream. I have dues to pay to earn that kind of freedom. So far, I've only paid half of what I've earned. I just want to, for once, go balls out on my work and think about nothing but my work, pay my dues and get those straight A's I know I have inside of me and then once I know I have them, go outside and scream the hell out LOUD! Cuz it feels so DAMN GOOD to be so DAMN GOOD! I wanna be able to put a major assed stamp and exclamation point on my senior year to gain momentum for the rest of my years. To triumph finally and feel good about it. Maybe once I start doing that, and I can lose this sick ass gut of mine and make myself look good when I make myself feel good. One thing is for sure, you can't blame me for lack of ambition.

Now that that is off my chest, I want to point you guys to the political page at an article placed inside. I also realise that a lot of my site is still skeleton but if I'm to achieve what I said above, I hope you understand why I haven't updated much of anything in a while. ;) Here's to a new beginning! For every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end! (My apologies to Semisonic for stealing that line but it's a damn good line to steal)

1/26/04 12:12 PM EST

How did I know? It's happened yet again. Someone I care for and someone who makes me happy has been taken from me. Of course, he had to try to put me in my place by telling me how I'm not worthy and going through all the clichés of making sure that I wouldn't think twice about trying to take her away from him. Somehow, I saw this coming all the way. When Kimmy stopped saying she loved me, when her friends didn't fully approve of me, when she said she couldn't be in a relationship. It all adds up now. She didn't want to hurt me, and so she hid it. She only considers me as a friend. That's fine in itself, but it still means that when I need comfort the most, she'll not be able to like she did before. Of course, everyone I talk to up here is neither available nor interested. Why is it I'm such a good friend, but not a good boyfriend? Nearly everyone I talk to say I'm such a great guy, but being so doesn't win you extra points with someone new. I'm growing sick of this self-defeating cycle. I guess I'm just not good enough for anyone, and that's basically my life story. I'm never good enough for anyone, no matter how hard I try. Well, if that is such the case, then I refuse to live in the close proximity to those who treat me as so. I hate the notion that I'm not in control of my own destiny, but every time this happens, it looks to be more and more true. That is something I'm not so sure I can live with. I wish someone would give me a break sometime. It's time that the underdog has had its day. With that, I bid Adieu to my hope again.

12/1/03 11:43 PM EST

Great news has prompted this thought entry, my days of being single are officially suspended indefinitely. Kimmy and I met over Thanksgiving weekend and we both came into it not knowing what to expect, but once things got rolling, man did the sparks fly. In talking with her over these past months, I got the sense that she was the one for me. After our date, she definitely is. Heck, we just got of the phone an hour ago after talking for 4 hours! Most of that time was either laughing or mooing. (Don't ask) We had an absolutely wonderful time and it was very apparent to me that we were compatible. I'm just so blessed right now that I want to run and shout with joy, but I still have work to get done at school. Finals week is fast approaching and I need to fight for the last of my grades. How it'll all turn out I have no clue but hopefully I can put in a good fight. Things are really looking up so I hope they continue. Oh what the heck, KIMMY I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!

On a side or site note whichever way you look at it, I've added my political page, "la resistance" and am hoping to start a organization by it to, as it says, bring sense in this world. Many of the pages will be touched up or added over Christmas so stay tuned. Much content has yet to be added to BT CENTRAL.

11/11/03 7:24 PM EST

OK, I know it's been awhile since this has been updated, but school has me extremely busy. The bad news is that after such a great start, the finish is not going to be so great. I'm definitely going to want to take physics again cuz I'm not feeling as if I understand everything enough. At least I'm not having a grudge against my roommates, as in Arizona. I've been playing along with game shows a little more often cuz I'm starting to realize how good I can be at them. Anything to get me a little bankroll going, not to mention cover the $2500 it's going to cost me to get the DJ equipment I wanna get. Maybe a little bit here and there to spend but most of it just to sit in the back for my general expenses at college. Kimmy is still talking to me which is always something that cheers me up. We didn't get to meet like we planned however but we will soon I know. She's starting to really hate EMU and I know exactly how she feels. She's going through what I did a year ago. I want to help her as much as I can through this so that she doesn't feel so crummy. That way she can be happy and I'll be happy that she's happy. Right now I want nothing more than for her to be happy and for me to be happy with her. I've been through so much that I need someone to be there for me, and she is. Hopefully we'll get to spend a lot of time over winter break. That way we can really get close to each other. I may sound repetitive, but I've not had someone like Kimmy in my life before, and I don't want her to leave me. I have such a strong instinct that she's going to be around for the long haul. I definitely don't want to go back to the single life, that's for sure. Anyway, school beckons yet again. Check back after Thanksgiving. I'm sure I'll be talking about myself and Kimmy's time together during the weekend. See ya then!

09/08/03 6:48 PM EDT

Well I survived the first two weeks of classes and so far I've been a straight shooter. Been talking to a bunch of people and getting to know everyone and getting all of my work in on time and done (for the most part). It seems like a good clean start, we'll see if it'll last. I'm already doing far better than in AZ so I'm happy for that. Been playing disc golf and am getting pretty good at it. I'm getting a little itchy for the curling season and I'll be looking to start the CMU team pretty soon. Once that starts, look out! I'm sure that we'll take nationals by storm! I've got that fire in me as they say, nothing is going to stop me from my dream. Heck, I may even be able to get to Vancouver in 2010. The ladies are talking but I think I may have a winner. Kimmy has totally fallen for me and I know I have for her too. Just one thing, we haven't met yet. Hopefully it'll happen soon but from what it looks like, it'll be a month yet. What the heck, I've been patient for nearly 3 years, a month is nothing. Just look at how much the past year flew by. To think a year ago I was in AZ with not a shot in hell, now I'm in control and I'm taking it to the mattress. (cheap Godfather reference) Anyway I've not much else to say besides that. Once things get interesting, I'll have more to say but looks peachy for now. Check back some other time!

07/30/03 10:36 PM EDT

Well I said I'd do another one of these in July and I'm in just in time! OK OK I've been busy. But at least I can do another one of these rants. Well classes ended for the spring and to my HUGE relief, I got a C in Philosophy. After I looked at my last test and figured out the best I could do was a C, I was certainly sweating it out. So Summer started for me and I've been working as much as allowed but it's not much to run on. I think my love of food is getting the better of me. As far as vacation time I've had very little to speak of. I've had my occasional weekend thing up at the camp but nothing much more except for a week where I was able to go to Mackinaw City and the straights area. One of the coolest things I did was bike around Mackinac Island. I didn't do too bad, 8 mile bike in less than an hour. Staying on the island for a day makes you want to live there year round. It's part of the charm the North has on you. Not only was that cool but there were 4 of us "teenagers" hanging out all the time, my sister and I plus the family we were with whose teens were bro/sis. Another little trip I did was up to CMU to get squared away for fall semester. I had to wake up at 5 AM and surprisingly, I stayed up the whole time only to take a hour cat nap in the car on the way to the lake. I'm hoping that this go 'round at college will be great. It should be seeing as how I think I can really do well in my classes. I'm nothing but optimism right now. Especially after what happened today. I finally met Holly from 89X after all these years. I sent an e-mail to her one day in order to get this T-shirt and from there, we've been e-mail pen pals ever since. She mentioned a reunion of the old X2K show I was such a fan of and I said I'd totally be for it and go. I hope it happens. I loved having my little quirk put into the show. I only wished it lasted longer. If only I could work for 89X and not need a degree or something cuz I need a good job that pays well and is fun to do. Well one last thing, the girl situation hasn't gone anywhere significant even though I met someone and hung out for a while. The thing was she was paying too much attention to the TV and not to me. That and her personality wasn't what I was looking for either. So another gets crossed off the list. There's one girl who I've not yet met that I'm giving right-of-way for now. She seems to be perfect for me and I want to be able to see her cuz she's been though a lot already. I just feel so much for her. Anyway this installment has gotten a little too long I think lol. I'm most likely going to post the next one of these just after I move into CMU. Catch ya later!

06/21/03 12:10 AM EDT

Why is it that I always do these things when it's the crack of the morning? Must not have anything better to do in the afternoon or I'm too busy with other things. Well it's been 6 months+ since I last did one of these and things have flown by fast. First off, on the flight home I was treated to the best flight ever. I was able to see the ground covered in snow for the first time from the air, I saw the gateway arch in St. Louis, Indy Speedway in Indianapolis, Cabela's in Dundee, MI (Later I found out I'd be going there on a little trip but that's later in the story), and the coolest thing by far was a downtown Detroit flyby. It reminded me of the opening of the movie Hackers when Dade files by Manhattan. It was very symbolic for me to see the city I love so much. Of course, I didn't get to enjoy it fully as I panicked over the thought that the plane would be landing at city airport and not metro, but then I reassured myself as the plane turned around to the right direction. I also looked and found the curling club I go to which brought I smile. Once I stepped outside, I was blasted with 39 degree weather. Normally one would shudder at the feeling but after dressing in long jeans and a hoodie in Phoenix where it was 70, and being cooped up in a plane for 3+ hours, 39 felt great. Once back home, I took one look at my room and it felt like I never been there before, but that feeling went away quickly. I was able to start working again and even scored a second job for the season. I was able to hang out with friends and family and went to Cabella's for the first time to check it out. Only a week after Christmas, I was right back in the mix going to school. And thus, the cycle of school, work, and social lives began is routine. When spring break drew near, I pondered the thought of going back to U of Arizona and meet up with everyone I had met. My parents popped that bubble quick saying I was staying home for spring break. My vacation consisted of a day at Gameworks with the guys so at least it was something. Weeks went by and the semester ended. I was able to pull of a 2.61 which may not sound stellar but it was better then the zero at U of A. Soon after I enrolled for extra classes to help close the gap and started with flash movies. No doubt you've seen how that class is going. I'm trying to get a summer job but that looks like it will be slim to none that I will. Any plans to have a big trip somewhere are being put off until I get the money. I need it since I was accepted to go to Central Michigan University in the fall. Hopefully the dorm life will be a little better this time. The girl situation is looking up but it's slow going at best. At least I have girls who will talk to me for more than 10 minutes now. Right now, I'm planning on enjoying my summer as much as possible. I'll try to achieve a good balance of work and play as well as hoard as much money I can for college while spending what I need to keep me entertained and maintained. Speaking of which, I have an acoustic guitar I need to sell, name your price. For the little tiny masses of people who like to check back here to see when the page gets updated, I promise to post another one of these sometime in July instead of forever. That is unless nothing interesting happens.

12/04/02 2:00 AM MST

Well I thought since this is my last full day at the U of A, I should try and make the most of the time I have here, AKA don't sleep when you can do stuff. Well tonight was interesting. I went to my last Darwin show and as luck would have it, Darwin did want to say goodbye is Darwin style. At the time it was a surprise but I later found out they were going to do a game of "Day in the life..." with me as the subject. I say they were because the police said no. Darwin always had their show at 10:00 PM which violated campus rules and it finally caught up with them right when they were supposed to say goodbye. It would have been great but I was hoping to become a honorary member of the group because I was aspiring to join the group. I mentioned it to Lauren and she said that was a great idea and that they'd get a shirt out to me. I'm sure it'll happen because I ordered one when Brian first mentioned the idea of T-shirts. To have a shirt is to be a Darwin. LOL. It's almost like earning your wings, and I was hoping to earn mine. The 5 random thoughts I did for them every week was my way of being part of the group since I didn't get in on the first try. I only wish I could have hung out with the group a little more because they are killer people to be friends with. Now that the show is over and I will no longer occupy Row 1 Seat 14, I have to get home. Tomorrow I pack and Thursday I go. Home. I've longed for it after the first month of being here. I get to do all the silly crap I used to do. The 3 stooges will be one again. I can go curling again. I can work and make some bucks. Most importantly, my roots can grow again. People from Michigan, especially teens, complain about how much Michigan sucks. I say Michigan is a part of me, it's who I am. No matter where I go for how long and do whatever, I will always have that state planted in be and it will always beckon me back. I've been here for 3 1/2 months. In 2 short days, I'm going home. I really wish Tucson would have been more of a learning experience than it was. If anything, Tucson was a big disappointment. It was obvious that I didn't fully belong there. I love the state of Arizona. Perhaps Arizona only likes me to visit and not to stay. I can't say this enough but it has never meant this much to me. I'm going HOME.

11/21/02 3:43 AM MST

Another night where I can't get any sleep. I've become so annoyed with my roommate here at U. of Arizona, that I can't take it anymore. He is just rude and completely inconsiderate for others. He is just like every idiot wanker that has treated me so horrible over the years. I purposefully make it a point to be different because I'm not going to like anything because someone tells me I should so it'll make me fit in. I'd rather be an outcast because I do my own thing and it's what suits me fine. The growing problem is that people are frowning upon this. I now know what the Native Americans endured when the government tried to "Americanize" them. The same thing is happening here, except that I have a choice. It pains me to keep seeing the dark side of human society thrown at me. I find it impossible to do intentional harm to someone else. Yet to others, it's a punchline, a joke, a way to get kicks when they are bored. I'm ready to go to the health center, request my medical withdrawal from my classes, have it all signed out, then move in with my grandparents until my flight. If my mind wasn't so strong then I'd have the will to hurt someone. But it seems like only I remember the lessons of 9/11/01. For that week, no one could do anything negative. We learned who heroes really were, we learned to help a fellow neighbor in a tough time and we saw the power that a nation, united as one, could have on the rest of the world. Nowadays, life is right back to "normal." People are just as destructive as ever. They no longer care. They will never be the way we were that fateful day until more people lose their life to evil. Today, Bill O'Reilly said that we are on the same path as Rome was before Rome fell apart and became history. He also said if we don't change, the same will happen to us. You may think that's a bit drastic but he's right. I plan to move to a country where problems of society are minimal, which is why I'm a big Canada fan. If I don't move there, it'll be England or somewhere else where people aren't so senseless. If you think these are extreme views out of line, go ahead and think that. But think about it the next time you ask a favor of someone and they blow you off in a very rude manner. You'll understand where I'm coming from.

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